I love where I am right now, I seem to have a good majority of my life together, and I literally thank God every single day for it. Being content is something honestly so new to me, and this is that raw and honest explanation.
I have always seemed to struggle with the idea of being content. I grew up kind of in a whirl wind, things constantly moving and emotions changing every day. But the thing is, I didn’t hate it. I honestly loved knowing that every day was not going to be the exact same as the one before. I loved knowing that when I woke up in the morning, I would have a completely different story when I went to sleep that night.
I have grown up in the theater since I was 5 years old, so the word drama has always a part of my vocabulary. I don’t like describing my life as dramatic, because I think that’s extra, but it honestly is most of the time. Drama had been surrounding me ever since I was little, and I loved the constant change. I thrived off of it, all the gossip, I loved how one day would be completely different from the next.
Throughout all of high school and even my first year of college, my life seemed as if every day was a completely new idea I couldn’t even fathom happening, yet it did. And here I am now, completely content with where life is, but I still feel as if I don’t deserve this feeling.
I have been extremely fortunate my whole life and I am not the type to shove my joy in others faces. I am beyond grateful for everything, opportunity, and person who have walked into my life, but there has always been this feeling inside that I don’t deserve it. I have been so used to this crazy, whirl wind, and constantly changing lifestyle that being happy where I am isn’t something I am used to. I haven’t exactly mastered how to be still and understand that it is perfectly okay to be content where you are and not want to change a single thing.
But I think that is what this whole chapter of my life is all about at this moment, not fully understanding things, but knowing that they were put in my life for a reason. I am learning to open my mind and my heart to new things. I am being taught how to love the life I am in and how to be grateful for every blessing that I have been given, realizing I am deserving of them. And I am to surround myself with people and experiences that make me feel loved and pure joy.
So, to the girl who doesn’t think she deserves happiness, I am right there with you. I have been a people pleaser probably since the day I was able to walk and talk. So, I am used to only doing things for others, and never wanting anything in return. And when you don’t want or rather don’t expect for good things to come into your life, when they do, we tend to think we don’t deserve them. There is a quote by Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice that I have held onto for years. Elizabeth says to Mr. Darcy, “I am completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy.” Know that you deserve to feel all of these things. We all deserve to be completely and perfectly and incandescently happy. I am learning to sit and be content where I am without thinking about the future or what may happen. I am learning that I deserve to live a life I am 100% in love with, and little by little I will get there, and so will you.