First, I will preface this by saying that this is a sort of follow-up to last week’s topic. A lot is still constantly changing, and it isn’t getting any easier for anyone. I have been really going back and forth about writing on this topic because I feel like it may come out a little hypocritical, but the whole point of this blog is for people to see what I am experiencing and use my life lessons to help guide them. So accidental hypocrite or not, here it goes.
As I packed up the life I knew with my dad in my sorority house this weekend, I knew when I returned home everything was going to change. There would be no more 50 roommates, no more almost getting hit on crosswalks, no more climbing up three flights of stairs to go to class, and no more seeing my best friends every day. The car was completely packed, and my dad asked if there was anything else we needed to do before heading home. I stared out the window, knowing there was so much I wished to do before leaving but couldn’t. I said no and we headed for the highway.
When we arrived home, my mom and sister had set up an “office” for me in our formal living room where it would be quiet, and I would have some natural light. As we all dragged boxes upon boxes from the car into the front hall, I began to stress. It was Sunday night, so I hurried to set up my desk and make it as homey as possible before I had to start online classes the next day.
I woke up Monday morning unsure of how this new “school life” was going to work. I weaved my way through the boxes in my room only to stumble upon more downstairs. (You honestly never know how much you can fit into a tiny two-person bedroom until you try to fit it all in one car). I went to my “office” and began my work. Online school is 10 times more work than regular in-person class. I spend about 5-7 hours a day staring at a computer screen, listening to lectures, on zoom calls, or taking notes when it would usually take me 4 hours maximum at school. Along with the pile of work I wake up to in my inbox, I also have to worry about the news cycling in about the ever-changing pandemic. Trust me, now is not the time to be a college kid.
And believe me when I say I am trying so hard to be positive and see the light at the end of the tunnel, because I know it is there. But it is hard, it is so hard. Being upended from my life and having to move home 2 months early, being in the middle of a pandemic, unpacking, completing online school, and having to adjust to quarantine is hard. But I am also figuring out it is okay that it is hard. Have I cried? Yes. Would I have ever admitted that a year ago? No. But times have changed, and I have grown. Being sad that life is changing, and you have no say over what happens is okay. We are allowed to grieve the life that we lost during all of this, but we must also know that there is hope and it is coming. We must try to stay positive as much as we can even though it is tough.
Did I ever think I would say that I want to go back to school? Probably not. Is isolation really hard even when you are surrounded by family? Yes. And there is one thing that really bothers me which I still can’t seem to figure out why. As much as we want to be social and facetime with each other, so we don’t go crazy in our houses, when I do facetime or zoom or call someone I haven’t seen, it honestly makes me sadder. I am sad that I can see you over a little screen, but I can’t see you in real life. College is supposed to be the best four years of our lives, and part of that has been taken away. And yes, I do miss school and honestly would give anything to go back.
So, to the girl who is missing her university, I am right there with you. This sucks, it honestly does. And to be honest, I’m not adjusted back to home life just yet, and I don’t think I am supposed to be. I would give anything to be back in my twin size bed being two feet away from my roommate as we both lay in our beds, eat snacks and talk about our days, but that just isn’t reality right now. But, when you are ready, you will accept that. No one is forcing you to accept it now (and if they are, send them my way), you are allowed to have as much time as you need to grieve the life you had before this pandemic started. Just remember that through all of this, college will be there when we go back in the fall, this craziness will end, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.