This is going to be real and raw and a little uncomfortable, but let’s do it. First, let’s set the scene. I just recently was broken up with and grieved that relationship, or I thought I did. I laid in my bed for two weeks straight either sleeping or watching tv because I didn’t have much desire to do anything else. After those first two weeks, I convinced myself that I was over it, but boy I couldn’t have been more wrong. I threw myself into another potential relationship, and that seemed to have masked the hurt I was feeling from the last one.
As I was going through the motions of this new relationship, I thought everything in life was back on track. I convinced myself everything was perfect until I saw my ex walking on campus, as I passed him, I began to tear up. I was honestly angry with myself that this was how I subconsciously reacted to seeing him. I knew he had hurt me and that I deserved more, but after spending every single day with him for the past 3 months, the feelings didn’t go away as easily as I thought they would. So, I broke off the new potential relationship, I knew I wasn’t ready to jump into another relationship while I was still grieving my last one.
There I was, sitting in my room, with no one to talk to, feeling completely alone. I absolutely hated how I felt. I hated feeling like there was no one there. I never fully comprehended why I felt like this. I tend to get in and out of relationships very quickly, and I didn’t see why this was going to be any different. But, at the same time, I knew I wasn’t fully over my last relationship, so I knew I wasn’t ready for another one.
So, I decided (with A LOT of help from my friends) that I had to be alone and learn to be okay with it. But let me tell you, making a decision is easy compared to the follow through. I prayed and prayed that God would just take away this sadness I had over my last relationship so I could move on. But as I already knew, God isn’t a genie and doesn’t grant wishes with the snap of a finger. I have been going back and forth, knowing I need to let God have it all and just accept that it is okay to be hurt, and especially know it is okay to take time for myself. I am so much of a people pleaser that all I want in life is for everyone around me to be happy. But, while I am busy making everyone around myself happy, I just want one person who will be there to lift me up and stand by my side. Although now, I am slowly learning that you have to be able to be that person for yourself. You have to be able to lift yourself up and stand by your own side before someone else joins you. And that is exactly what I’m doing, learning how to stand on my own and love myself before I let someone else in.
This isn’t going to be an easy road at all, but that is the whole point, accepting that life isn’t always easy. There will be and already have been days where I feel like no one is there, but if I truly look around, I have so many people supporting me on this journey. It isn’t fun to admit you have a problem with being alone, to me it makes me feel shallow. But I know that admitting it shows just how strong I truly am.
So, to the girl who struggles with being alone, me too girlfriend. You are not alone even though there will be days when it seems like it. You have people in your corner who are cheering you on the whole way to self-love and accepting the fact it is okay to be alone, including me. I am going through this whole process alongside you, and I know we are going to make it out so strong. This season is going to have its ups and downs, and we are going to want to give up, but we can’t. We are stronger than the posts we see on social media, we are stronger than wanting to text our exs, we are stronger than every negative thought that comes to our minds. We are stronger than the loneliness, we will learn to love it and embrace it and ourselves. Let’s take that first step, and say “it’s going to be weird, but I am going to find a way to be me, alone.” Let’s find that love within ourselves so we can share it with those around us, let’s embrace everything that is to come.